Friday, December 21, 2012

Merry Christmas from Thomassin, Haiti :)

We are preparing our home and our hearts for the celebration of the birth of Jesus this Christmas Season! I spent 2 weeks in the states and was able to bring back some fun/Santa Claus things to teach Phoebe Kate as well. We have been decorating Christmas trees, baking cookies, Christmas coloring books and things to celebrate such a sweet time of the year! A time that we welcome in our Savior who became flesh so that we could KNOW HIM. What an incredible gift Father God gave us so many Christmas' ago! And it is still offered to us today... each and every day. If that doesn't get you in the spirit of giving I don't know what will :) 

This Christmas we wish you and yours grace and peace as we celebrate the coming of Immanuel. He is with us. May we not forget what this season is all about! 

Decorating her first little Christmas tree :)

We are celebrating our first Christmas here in Haiti with some precious friends! Our house mates Rhyan and Annabel and our Aunt Kate is here to celebrate with us as well. We have so many sweet people in our lives that we will not share this day with and we will miss so much, but we are so thankful for the people that the Lord has given to us to share this special time with. Thank you Jesus for sweet friends and family!

Annabel Kay & Phoebe Kate (Christmas 2012)
I look forward to sharing pictures from Christmas morning... this will be the first time that Phoebe Kate has had a Christmas! So many firsts and we are LOVING them! We will continue the tradition of opening presents from "Santa" on Christmas morning, but we will also be making a pretty big deal about Jesus' birthday! I am starting a new tradition in our family of baking a birthday cake for Jesus (since this is the most concrete way for a 3 year old to grasp that it's someone's birthday) and we will be reading the Biblical story over and over again this week as we prepare for His coming!

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Thanksgiving 2012

This year was my first thanskgiving as a "Mommy"... and that means that  that I have something else to be thankful for :) Phoebe Kate has blessed my life more and more than I could have ever possibly imagined! She has made my life more full and rich.... she has challenged me, helped me grow, and loved me through some hard seasons of life for the both of us. So thankful that the Lord saw fit to make me your Mommy! I love you so much! 





Friday, November 16, 2012

Tea Party with a Legend



Phoebe Kate and I make weekly visits up to the Baptist Mission in Fermanthe now that we live in the area… they have great food and the view is spectacular! Our last 3 visits have been quite different than the many others that we made prior to our move to the mountain.

About 3 weeks ago this sweet little lady walked up to my table while I was eating and started up conversation with my friends and myself. She wanted to know everything about us. Who we were, what we were doing here, who we are working with… pretty much everything :) I had no idea who she was until her grandson introduced her to us. I was talking to the founder of the Baptist Haiti Mission… and not just the founder… but a woman who forsake her own life and followed the Lord’s call to Haiti with her husband. Because of their simple act of obedience to go… there are hundreds of churches throughout the mountains of Haiti, there are many people of the community using their hands to work and provide for their families, there is a school educating the children of the community, and much, much more!
Eleanor Turnbull, Jessica, Sandrea, & Emma (our first encounter)
I was blown away by the kindness of this precious servant of God. Why would she want to know my story? --- She actually asks just about everyone that walks through the doors of the mission if she can catch you :) But even still, her kindness was overwhelming to me and so was her desire to network with other people working here in Haiti.

Over our next 2 visits, Mrs Eleanor Turnbull sought me out, recognized me and picked up in conversation right where we had left off. Only our third trip was different. She decided she was going to take me into the hospital and introduce me to all of the doctors that she knew and all of her friends :) I felt honored to be connected to these people who she loves so much! As if that wasn’t enough she took us to her apartment and insisted on having a tea party with us… and if any of you reading this have ever met Mrs Eleanor you know that you CANNOT say no to her :)


Eleanor giving Phoebe Kate her first lesson on tea party etiquette.
Pastor Wallace and Mrs Eleanor have become quite fond of Phoebe Kate and insisted that she call them “Grandma and Granpa”. Phoebe Kate did without much hesitancy. So we enjoyed an afternoon of tea and cookies with the Turbull’s. They offered much wisdom and guidance gained through 60+ years of living and working in Haiti. I feel like what I have learned from them is a treasure to hold on to. 


Pastor Wallace joined us for tea :)


 Phoebe Kate had never been to a tea party… so this was a very special tea party. A tea party with a legendary missionary of Haiti…  Eleanor taught her to hold the cup properly and how to sit with her feet on the floor.


“First things first.”

“I heard him call, that was all.
My gold grew dim.
I followed Him”

Tea party with a Legend. And Phoebe Kate has no idea :)

They might seem like simple statements…but they are packed full of meaning and experience. Jesus told us to have the faith of a child… and even as simple as a child’s understanding is, the level of complexity still astounds me sometimes.


Ann Vozkamp wrote something on her blog today that really resonated with me and some how ties into this in my mess of a brain.

We want clarity — and God gives a call. We want a road map — and God gives a relationship. We want answers — and God gives His hand.
Pearls of wisdom gained over tea. 

God is speaking to my heart through Eleanor. She heard God’s call on her life to come to Haiti. She didn’t know everything that the Lord was going to use her to do once she arrived. A call, His relationship to her and His hand were enough. And 60 years later she has no regrets.

So the next time my desire for clarity, the plan, the road map and answers come up… I will remember my time with Eleanor and trust that God’s call, His relationship, and His hand are enough. He is doing something beautiful… that I can rest in. 



Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Christin's Visit & More Transition

We were blessed to have one of my best friends, Christin Mohon, arrive on November 1! Phoebe Kate and I both were just beyond overjoyed to have her with us for a week! And it was a very important week for us… so thankful that she was able to come!

Phoebe Kate and Aunt Christin enjoying a bite to eat at 5 Coins :)

Phoebe Kate and I have been staying at the Barlow’s since May. We are so thankful for their generosity and allowing us to be a part of their family and their home for 6 months! What a blessing! – But it wasback in September that the Lord began to put it on my heart that Phoebe Kate and I needed to be somewhere that we could call “home” until we are able to come home officially. I prayed, my friends prayed, my family prayed… the Lord opened a door :) No surprise to us here! He is so faithful and Hisprovision is never late but is always right on time.

On November 5, with the help of some of my amazing friends, Phoebe Kate and I made the move from the busyness of the city of Port-au-Prince into the mountains of Thomassin. – The Lord provided a precious house with precious neighbors and we are so thankful to call this place our home! 


View from my balcony in the morning 

Sunsets in Thomassin
 It’s just Phoebe Kate and I in our house for now, but our friends Rhyan and Annabel will be joining us in January! We are really looking forward to sharing life with them in our new home! Rhyan is a Midwife-To-Be student as well and has a precious 1-year-old daughter (who just happens to be Haitian)! Thanking the Lord for her friendship and looking forward to the encouragement, support, and grace we can provide each other as we have so much in common!

Rhyan & Annabel

 So some of you may be wondering what this means for Phoebe Kate and I? – We are still walking through the adoption process (waiting on IBESR to reopen so our dossier can be submitted), I am still going to the U.S. every 2 months for 2 weeks for work in the ER, and we are praying and asking the Lord to open doors for work as a nurse here if that is what He desires from me in this season of life!

Not only was Aunt Christin here to help us with our BIG move… she was also here to help me take Phoebe Kate to the Pediatrician for the first time (exam, immunizations, blood work)! It was a really big day for Phoebe Kate but she was such a BIG GIRL! I was amazed… actually astonished… at how well she handled herself for a 3 year old! And Aunt Christin was there… she helped keep me calm, too :)

Getting blood drawn... What a champ! 
           
Proudly showing off her Dora bandaid :) 
Christin also took some Christmas pics :) Sneak peak…!

Mommy & Phoebe Kate 2012 

Since Aunt Christin’s departure on the 8th we have spent our days making this our home! It has been so fun for us and we truly LOVE our new space! --- Trusting, believing, and waiting on the Lord to show us what to do from here as we wait on His good and perfect timing for this adoption to be finalized. We are still learning and growing as mother and daughter and we are soaking up our days together! Please continue to pray for us through this transition.

Thank you for coming to visit us Aunt Christin!!!

Safe Birth Training

So much has happened in the last 3 weeks that I can hardly even believe it myself! So many great things… and I can’t help but share!

October 29 & 30 we had Safe Birth training at the World Orphans guesthouse for 5-6 women from each of our 12 partner churches. It was nothing short of amazing! Carol Denny, CPM, with Global Health Training came alongside World Orphans and spent 2 days pouring into the women from each community teaching them vital sign skills and other ways they can respond when a birth goes bad. – Most Haitian women give birth at home by choice and lack of affordable medical care, so even if this training just saves ONE life of a mother and keeps ONE family together…. SO WORTH IT!
Lecture portion of our training 
Natural Family Planning


Safe umbilical cord care 
What to do when there is shoulder dystocia?? -- They know now :)
I was so blessed to be able to teach blood pressure & pulse to these amazing women!





Friday, October 26, 2012

Breaking Chains



I haven’t written much about our day-to-day struggles as mother and daughter. I haven’t written them down for personal reference and I haven’t written them down for anyone else to read publically. I have written about the bigger victories and our good days (what we all want to hear about, right?) but I have neglected the hard things. Part of me regrets that I haven’t shared and then the other part of me wants to forget some of the horrible days and nights we have had since Phoebe Kate has become apart of my forever family.

At the same time I have this lingering thought that people should hear the truth regarding what goes on in the day to day lives of the adopted child once they join their forever family. While we do have some GREAT days, we also have days that send me into total oblivion. Some days make me question if I made a horrible mistake… and some days I know this so right.

Tonight brought back a flood of emotions and memories for me. – Bedtime routine.

This used to be a dreaded and awful task. I’m not sure when it stopped being so bad, but tonight I smiled at how peaceful and normal we have become :)

I can remember nights of fights through sitting on the potty, getting spit at while brushing teeth, bath time full of screams and hitting… and it didn’t stop there. She would tease me with putting on jammies… making me think the battle was over for the night. Lying down was where it really got ugly. Phoebe Kate just did not want to lie down. She fought me to the bitter end just to get her head to lie on a pillow or in my lap. She did not want to fall asleep. Sometimes tantrums would last 2-3 hours before she would give in to total exhaustion. When she finally did pass out from exhaustion she was tormented while she slept. Many others and myself spent countless hours praying over Phoebe Kate as she fought demons and darkness in her sleep. One of the phrases I can remember hearing repeated and saying myself over and over again was “Lord we need you to break the chains in this sweet child’s life. We believe that you will in Jesus’ name.” It was a horrifying experience for everyone involved. I just could not fathom as a child having to walk what she was walking through… so much change, transition. She went from having to be ridiculously independent at 2 years old, forming bonds and always breaking them and fighting for her own survival to a totally different way of life. 


Phoebe Kate in March 2012 (photo credit Max Zoghbi)
I believe the enemy preys on children who do not have parents fighting for them. And the enemy had a hold of my little girl. He had her believing at 2 years old that she was alone in this world and that she could never trust anyone. --- 8 months of daily love, prayer, discipline, singing God’s promises over her life, and just having a Momma has transformed my daughter. I see Jesus breaking chains in her life everyday… I see a growing, thriving, and amazing little girl who I believe whole-heartedly will be a mighty warrior for God’s kingdom. I love who she was, who she is and who she is becoming.

Tonight bedtime was not scary for Phoebe Kate. We bathed, brushed our teeth, put our jammies on, read The Very Hungry Caterpillar and she lay on my chest as we said our nighttime prayers. It wasn’t long before her eyes were closed and she is still resting peacefully beside me.

Now I know that tomorrow she will probably get up and give me a run for my money :) Because that’s how children are… but we have come so far! There are still hard nights but for the most part Phoebe Kate knows she is loved and feels safe and secure. She is no longer tormented in her sleep.

Phoebe Kate’s favorite song is Break Every Chain by Jesus Culture. “There is power in the name of Jesus”, she proclaims with her lips. “to break every chain”, she sings with her whole heart.

Tonight I am going to rest because I know the Lord is at work in our little family. I am thanking Him with my whole heart as I remember how far we have come. It would be naïve and stupid to assume it was of our own efforts, but we know that it is only by His grace and His strength.

Phoebe Kate in October of 2012

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Ache


My visits to the states are becoming more and more regular… due to many things. It is something that is necessary for the season of life that Phoebe Kate and I are right now. A very difficult season. A beautiful season. A joyful season.

This time my visit to the states brought on a new range of emotions for Phoebe Kate. I would say this was the first time she really actually expressed that she did not want me to leave and was very sad when the time came to say goodbye for 2 weeks. We are attached. Bonded. Mission accomplished :)

As happy as I am about how well we are bonded… seeing my child cry and ask me not to leave her is absolutely gut wrenching. There is an ache and heaviness in my chest that comes with getting on a plane and flying off of this island without her. It is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Even knowing that I am heading towards my favorite people. The ache doesn’t go away.

I am absolutely relieved to be greeted by my parents, Christin and Kate. I walk into my little house on Garden Drive and feel so at home. It’s amazing how they allow me to walk into their world like I have never left. Like clockwork I fall back into a routine and I love it.

The day after my arrival I made a trip to Baton Rouge to visit with my sweet friend, Bonnie Kate.  I wondered so much how I would feel when I saw her again… I wondered if I would weep, laugh, smile, jump for joy. When I walked into her room all I could do was smile and run to embrace her.  I felt so relieved to wrap my arms around her… so much had happened since the last time I actually was able to touch her… I felt like I had to convince myself that she was really sitting in front of me :)

So incredibly THANKFUL for this girl. 

Again, I felt relieved. We spent hours catching up and just enjoying being with each other. She is an incredible friend enduring a really difficult season of recovery right now. Bonnie Kate has accepted this season with acceptance and joy… her smile, her flowers, and her love for people encourage me to keep going. I feel so blessed to know this precious girl. How lucky am I to have her as a friend??

It was such a joy to spend 2 days with her and to FINALLY meet her precious family! I felt so at home with the Pourciau’s… their hospitality and love was overwhelming and filled my soul in an incredible way. Thank you to Mr. Trace, Mrs Kathleen, Madline, Davis, Noah, Emma Mae, Ian, and Aiden Rose for loving me before you even knew me!

When the time came to say good-bye to Bonnie Kate it was another emotional and gut wrenching experience. The ache. Ugh… I hate this ache.

 I worked 64 hours while I was in the US. I really enjoyed it! So therapeutic for me to nurse and take care of the sick. Seeing my work family is always really fun :)

Over the course of the rest of my time in the US… I spent days with family and friends.

We celebrated my mom’s birthday, went out to eat ( A LOT :) ), shopped for Phoebe Kate, watched the season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy, loved on my puppies, enjoyed the cooler weather, and loved on each other. It was GOOD and so refreshing. 


My sweet Mary Kate 


My dear Christin

Sweet Zoe & Amelia 

2 weeks came and went. And I was already preparing to fly back to Haiti. As much as my heart ached for my sweet Phoebe Kate and I longed to be with her, I felt so at home. I felt so at home with the people who love me for me. I didn’t want to leave them either. The ache intensified. And I sincerely wondered if this season of coming and going will ever get easier…

Whenever the wheels of the airplane take off from the runway the ache becomes so much more real. It is the act of actually leaving the same soil as my loved ones that rips my heart out. But some how… some way… the grace of God gives me peace mid air and reminds me of what I am traveling towards. I am traveling towards loved ones as well. My heart begins to beat faster… and the embrace of loved ones on the other side is almost worth the ache.

Being here in Haiti with this little girl is worth every single ache and sacrifice. --- the pursuit of God’s call on our lives is never an easy journey. It almost always costs us something. But He promises us joy and peace for that journey. And friends, that joy and peace is worth ANYTHING that He may ask us to give up so that the world may know Him.

So I have decided I am going to be thankful for the ache. I’m sure I’ll forget some days… but I believe and am learning day by day to live in the light that “true sacrifice isn’t the losing of anything – it is the finding of joy” – Ann Voskamp.


Thursday, September 20, 2012

my most beautiful mark


It’s been a difficult few weeks. Some of the difficulties have been due to circumstances and some due to mental blocks that I can’t seem to get through. I’m the type of person that can’t write about it until I have worked through it. Once I have worked through it, I write it. Once I write it, it usually means I have made peace.

I have been wrestling with the Lord about heavy things…Poverty, war, motherhood, death, life, loneliness, sin, passion, and fear of the unknown (just to name a few for you). The kind of wrestling that keeps you up at night, decreases your appetite, and makes you ask A LOT of questions.

Living in Haiti in and of itself raises questions everyday that I will probably never know the answers to. The poverty, injustice, and difficulties that the Haitian people endure every day with such grace, beauty, and tenacity amazes me.  I came to Haiti full time to be a part of the solution and to work towards improving the medical and midwifery crisis. There are some great organizations (both national and international) that are actively addressing the health care crisis, and as a nurse and student midwife, I long to jump in and “get my hands dirty”. As I have received offer after offer to jump in with both feet to help, God has shut each door. Each time an offer comes up I get so excited at the thought of actually being able to work here in Haiti… my heart beats a little faster… and then I hear a still small voice coming from the other side of the room… “Mommy”.

On February 24, 2012, I made a decision that changed my life forever. I became her mommy. It has been the hardest and the most beautiful thing I have ever done. She is my first priority… and she should be.

As nurses we are taught that it is our duty to sacrifice so that others can be cared for in their time and need. Our families sacrifice, too. There is definitely some truth to my profession and I take pride in being able to sacrifice my personal wants so that others can be cared for in their time of need. But since Haiti is in the business of stripping me of all of my pride, I am learning that she cannot sacrifice me right now. She needs this time with me (I have no way of knowing how long this time frame will be that I am in Haiti with her until her adoption is complete). Especially since it’s just her and I.

I am continually wrestling with God about the freedom I have to work as a nurse and serve the people of Haiti in a way that brings me so much joy. It hurts because I cannot nurse right now. And I need His continual affirmation that I am doing the right thing… that I am indeed following Him by giving myself to my daughter for His glory. Wrestling with the fact that each hug, each bath, each story, each moment of gentle correction, each song, each prayer is just as important as the life saving work that I was giving my life to before she came into my world.

God gently whispered to my heart in another way yesterday. I was reading Ann Voskamp’s blog and these words were like balm to my spirit:
It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for … the masses.” Christ left the ninety-nine for the one.

My Heavenly Father is constantly reminding me that His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways. I thought I was coming to Haiti to be a missionary (whatever the heck that even means) and I am now a mother. I thought I would be in Haiti longer term and God seems to be leading back to “home” after the adoption is complete.

I thought my mark on the world was going to be made through caring for the sick and helping women bring their children into the world safely. But what if that’s not my greatest mark? What if my greatest mark is raising this little girl and teaching her the ways of Jesus? What if she is the one who comes back to her country and is a part of transforming Haiti’s health system? I have no idea. But I have to believe that “every tremor of kindness might erupt in a miracle on the other side of the world.”(Ann Voskamp)

So even though I thought my most beautiful mark would be through health care and midwifery, maybe it isn’t. Maybe it is through this beautiful little soul that God has entrusted to me while she is on earth. Or maybe it is both? I pray that God gives me the grace to pour and invest my life into what He has set before me.

I am trusting that He will not let me leave this world until I leave my most beautiful mark – to show Him.

Phoebe Kate (3.25 yrs)

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

beauty that fills the soul

We have had some note worthy experiences since the last blog I wrote…

We weathered Tropical Storm Isaac a week and a half ago. Thankfully Isaac was not as bad as predicted, but we still got some pretty intense wind and rain that put us out of power for over a week. Our internet was also out of service so we felt pretty disconnected from the outside world. Tropical Storm Isaac also prevented Christin from being able to come to Haiti to celebrate my birthday. So… TS Isaac and I are not exactly friends.

A week ago today I turned 25! That’s a quarter of a century… and I feel like it is an accomplishment :) I was uneasy about spending my birthday here in Haiti without my family and my friends who love and appreciate my presence in their lives… but because of God’s faithfulness… yet again He gave us another sweet day full of joy! The phone calls from my closest friends and parents and the countless electronic birthday wishes were so special. And on top of that, the beauty that I was a witness to this past week truly filled my soul. 

For my birthday we went out to Wahoo Bay on the north coast of Haiti with our new friend, Holly Helton. Holly has been such an undeserved gift from God! PhoebeKate and I were so thankful to have Holly join us on our birthday vacation :) And it turns out it was her birthday on August 21… so we were both able to enjoy a fun outing for our birthdays!

Our first night’s sunset was TRULY INCREDIBLE! Absolutely one of God’s precious gifts to me on my birthday. I also really enjoyed spending my first birthday with Phoebe Kate :) 

Wahoo Bay at sunset 
PhoebeKate and I with our new friend, Holly :)
the love of my life
Day 2 at Wahoo Bay was spent enjoying the beach and the pool. Phoebe Kate LOVES the sand and the ocean.... well really... just the water in general. I feel so blessed to have a child who is so enamored by nature and who entertains herself so well. She also is genuinely happy while doing so!
my little beach bum :)
Wednesday of last week we ventured out to "Sodo" (Kreyol)/ Saut d'Eau (French). I will let the picture speak for itself, but even the picture doesn't do the actual falls justice. It is truly a breathtaking piece of God's handiwork!

Sodo
Phoebe Kate and I hiked up to the highest point that we were allowed to go. Such an amazing experience for me... and it made it that much more special to have my girl with me :)

Mommy & Phoebe Kate at Sodo

We also made it out to Gressier last Thursday for my friend Arland's wedding! Phoebe Kate and I felt so blessed to be a part of Arland and Sandra's special day :) This was also my first Haitian wedding... and although it was super long, we really enjoyed it! 

Arland & Sandra (photo credit J.Anderson)
Wow. So after that week, we have been resting! We have needed some downtown at home and have also enjoyed getting to know 2 new girls who arrived in Haiti for the next 6 months- 12 months. Sandrea will be walking with Emma Barlow through her last year of high school here in Haiti and Callie is here to do art with the children in the OVC Program. We are already enjoying our new friends and are excited to see how God uses them to bless Haiti and how Haiti blesses them :) Please be praying for Sandrea and Callie as they adjust to life here and as they find their place. 

As for Phoebe Kate and I... we are just living life. Day by day. Phoebe Kate is learning, growing, thriving, and seems to be blossoming with each it and every day. There are opportunities that come up occasionally for me to volunteer and use my gifts as a nurse and I usually try to take advantage of those opportunities when they arise. But if I am honest, I consistently feel like God is telling me that the main reason I am here is for Phoebe Kate. And as hard as that is for me to swallow, I am continually submitting myself to the will of God and graciously accepting the responsibility for this little person! She deserves and needs ALL of her mommy's attention right now. So... if I seem a little boring... it's because I am a little boring :)

Heavily on my heart daily is my sweet friend, BonnieKate. As some of you may know, she was a victim of the Aurora, Colorado shooting in July. BonnieKate was shot in the knee and since July 20 has undergone several surgeries to have complete reconstruction of her knee and is now on her road to recovery. But as you can imagine, this road to recovery is long and tedious. This precious girl is SO SPECIAL to Phoebe Kate and I. She is a dear friend of mine and I ask you to take a look at her blog: Pray for Bonnie Kate.

BonnieKate and her Phoebe Kate :) 
Sweet BonnieKate, we love you so much! We have not forgotten you on your road to recovery. Our prayers are only increasing as the need is increasing. We trust that God is able to do abundantly and immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine in your life! Thank you for showing the world that forgiveness is an ongoing attitude and that with power of Christ living within you that it is possible. Thank you for your faithfulness as a servant of the most High God. I know that He is going to prove Himself faithful in your life. Your courage, strength and bravery as you wrestle with this difficult season has inspired more people than you could ever imagine. My continual prayer is that God would wrap you up in His loving arms and that you would FEEL His nearness. Because He is so near. Phoebe Kate and I are some of your biggest fans :) Rooting for you as you reach your goal of 110 degrees... all the way from Port-au-Prince, Haiti! Kenbe fo, zanmi'm!