Ache

My visits to the states are becoming more and more regular… due to many things. It is something that is necessary for the season of life that Phoebe Kate and I are right now. A very difficult season. A beautiful season. A joyful season.

This time my visit to the states brought on a new range of emotions for Phoebe Kate. I would say this was the first time she really actually expressed that she did not want me to leave and was very sad when the time came to say goodbye for 2 weeks. We are attached. Bonded. Mission accomplished :)

As happy as I am about how well we are bonded… seeing my child cry and ask me not to leave her is absolutely gut wrenching. There is an ache and heaviness in my chest that comes with getting on a plane and flying off of this island without her. It is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Even knowing that I am heading towards my favorite people. The ache doesn’t go away.

I am absolutely relieved to be greeted by my parents, Christin and Kate. I walk into my little house on Garden Drive and feel so at home. It’s amazing how they allow me to walk into their world like I have never left. Like clockwork I fall back into a routine and I love it.

The day after my arrival I made a trip to Baton Rouge to visit with my sweet friend, Bonnie Kate.  I wondered so much how I would feel when I saw her again… I wondered if I would weep, laugh, smile, jump for joy. When I walked into her room all I could do was smile and run to embrace her.  I felt so relieved to wrap my arms around her… so much had happened since the last time I actually was able to touch her… I felt like I had to convince myself that she was really sitting in front of me :)

So incredibly THANKFUL for this girl. 

Again, I felt relieved. We spent hours catching up and just enjoying being with each other. She is an incredible friend enduring a really difficult season of recovery right now. Bonnie Kate has accepted this season with acceptance and joy… her smile, her flowers, and her love for people encourage me to keep going. I feel so blessed to know this precious girl. How lucky am I to have her as a friend??

It was such a joy to spend 2 days with her and to FINALLY meet her precious family! I felt so at home with the Pourciau’s… their hospitality and love was overwhelming and filled my soul in an incredible way. Thank you to Mr. Trace, Mrs Kathleen, Madline, Davis, Noah, Emma Mae, Ian, and Aiden Rose for loving me before you even knew me!

When the time came to say good-bye to Bonnie Kate it was another emotional and gut wrenching experience. The ache. Ugh… I hate this ache.

 I worked 64 hours while I was in the US. I really enjoyed it! So therapeutic for me to nurse and take care of the sick. Seeing my work family is always really fun :)

Over the course of the rest of my time in the US… I spent days with family and friends.

We celebrated my mom’s birthday, went out to eat ( A LOT :) ), shopped for Phoebe Kate, watched the season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy, loved on my puppies, enjoyed the cooler weather, and loved on each other. It was GOOD and so refreshing. 

My sweet Mary Kate 

My dear Christin

Sweet Zoe & Amelia 

2 weeks came and went. And I was already preparing to fly back to Haiti. As much as my heart ached for my sweet Phoebe Kate and I longed to be with her, I felt so at home. I felt so at home with the people who love me for me. I didn’t want to leave them either. The ache intensified. And I sincerely wondered if this season of coming and going will ever get easier…

Whenever the wheels of the airplane take off from the runway the ache becomes so much more real. It is the act of actually leaving the same soil as my loved ones that rips my heart out. But some how… some way… the grace of God gives me peace mid air and reminds me of what I am traveling towards. I am traveling towards loved ones as well. My heart begins to beat faster… and the embrace of loved ones on the other side is almost worth the ache.

Being here in Haiti with this little girl is worth every single ache and sacrifice. --- the pursuit of God’s call on our lives is never an easy journey. It almost always costs us something. But He promises us joy and peace for that journey. And friends, that joy and peace is worth ANYTHING that He may ask us to give up so that the world may know Him.

So I have decided I am going to be thankful for the ache. I’m sure I’ll forget some days… but I believe and am learning day by day to live in the light that “true sacrifice isn’t the losing of anything – it is the finding of joy” – Ann Voskamp.