Breaking Chains

I haven’t written much about our day-to-day struggles as mother and daughter. I haven’t written them down for personal reference and I haven’t written them down for anyone else to read publically. I have written about the bigger victories and our good days (what we all want to hear about, right?) but I have neglected the hard things. Part of me regrets that I haven’t shared and then the other part of me wants to forget some of the horrible days and nights we have had since Phoebe Kate has become apart of my forever family.

At the same time I have this lingering thought that people should hear the truth regarding what goes on in the day to day lives of the adopted child once they join their forever family. While we do have some GREAT days, we also have days that send me into total oblivion. Some days make me question if I made a horrible mistake… and some days I know this so right.

Tonight brought back a flood of emotions and memories for me. – Bedtime routine.

This used to be a dreaded and awful task. I’m not sure when it stopped being so bad, but tonight I smiled at how peaceful and normal we have become :)

I can remember nights of fights through sitting on the potty, getting spit at while brushing teeth, bath time full of screams and hitting… and it didn’t stop there. She would tease me with putting on jammies… making me think the battle was over for the night. Lying down was where it really got ugly. Phoebe Kate just did not want to lie down. She fought me to the bitter end just to get her head to lie on a pillow or in my lap. She did not want to fall asleep. Sometimes tantrums would last 2-3 hours before she would give in to total exhaustion. When she finally did pass out from exhaustion she was tormented while she slept. Many others and myself spent countless hours praying over Phoebe Kate as she fought demons and darkness in her sleep. One of the phrases I can remember hearing repeated and saying myself over and over again was “Lord we need you to break the chains in this sweet child’s life. We believe that you will in Jesus’ name.” It was a horrifying experience for everyone involved. I just could not fathom as a child having to walk what she was walking through… so much change, transition. She went from having to be ridiculously independent at 2 years old, forming bonds and always breaking them and fighting for her own survival to a totally different way of life. 

Phoebe Kate in March 2012 (photo credit Max Zoghbi)

I believe the enemy preys on children who do not have parents fighting for them. And the enemy had a hold of my little girl. He had her believing at 2 years old that she was alone in this world and that she could never trust anyone. --- 8 months of daily love, prayer, discipline, singing God’s promises over her life, and just having a Momma has transformed my daughter. I see Jesus breaking chains in her life everyday… I see a growing, thriving, and amazing little girl who I believe whole-heartedly will be a mighty warrior for God’s kingdom. I love who she was, who she is and who she is becoming.

Tonight bedtime was not scary for Phoebe Kate. We bathed, brushed our teeth, put our jammies on, read The Very Hungry Caterpillar and she lay on my chest as we said our nighttime prayers. It wasn’t long before her eyes were closed and she is still resting peacefully beside me.

Now I know that tomorrow she will probably get up and give me a run for my money :) Because that’s how children are… but we have come so far! There are still hard nights but for the most part Phoebe Kate knows she is loved and feels safe and secure. She is no longer tormented in her sleep.

Phoebe Kate’s favorite song is Break Every Chain by Jesus Culture. “There is power in the name of Jesus”, she proclaims with her lips. “to break every chain”, she sings with her whole heart.

Tonight I am going to rest because I know the Lord is at work in our little family. I am thanking Him with my whole heart as I remember how far we have come. It would be naïve and stupid to assume it was of our own efforts, but we know that it is only by His grace and His strength.

Phoebe Kate in October of 2012

Ache

My visits to the states are becoming more and more regular… due to many things. It is something that is necessary for the season of life that Phoebe Kate and I are right now. A very difficult season. A beautiful season. A joyful season.

This time my visit to the states brought on a new range of emotions for Phoebe Kate. I would say this was the first time she really actually expressed that she did not want me to leave and was very sad when the time came to say goodbye for 2 weeks. We are attached. Bonded. Mission accomplished :)

As happy as I am about how well we are bonded… seeing my child cry and ask me not to leave her is absolutely gut wrenching. There is an ache and heaviness in my chest that comes with getting on a plane and flying off of this island without her. It is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Even knowing that I am heading towards my favorite people. The ache doesn’t go away.

I am absolutely relieved to be greeted by my parents, Christin and Kate. I walk into my little house on Garden Drive and feel so at home. It’s amazing how they allow me to walk into their world like I have never left. Like clockwork I fall back into a routine and I love it.

The day after my arrival I made a trip to Baton Rouge to visit with my sweet friend, Bonnie Kate.  I wondered so much how I would feel when I saw her again… I wondered if I would weep, laugh, smile, jump for joy. When I walked into her room all I could do was smile and run to embrace her.  I felt so relieved to wrap my arms around her… so much had happened since the last time I actually was able to touch her… I felt like I had to convince myself that she was really sitting in front of me :)

So incredibly THANKFUL for this girl. 

Again, I felt relieved. We spent hours catching up and just enjoying being with each other. She is an incredible friend enduring a really difficult season of recovery right now. Bonnie Kate has accepted this season with acceptance and joy… her smile, her flowers, and her love for people encourage me to keep going. I feel so blessed to know this precious girl. How lucky am I to have her as a friend??

It was such a joy to spend 2 days with her and to FINALLY meet her precious family! I felt so at home with the Pourciau’s… their hospitality and love was overwhelming and filled my soul in an incredible way. Thank you to Mr. Trace, Mrs Kathleen, Madline, Davis, Noah, Emma Mae, Ian, and Aiden Rose for loving me before you even knew me!

When the time came to say good-bye to Bonnie Kate it was another emotional and gut wrenching experience. The ache. Ugh… I hate this ache.

 I worked 64 hours while I was in the US. I really enjoyed it! So therapeutic for me to nurse and take care of the sick. Seeing my work family is always really fun :)

Over the course of the rest of my time in the US… I spent days with family and friends.

We celebrated my mom’s birthday, went out to eat ( A LOT :) ), shopped for Phoebe Kate, watched the season premiere of Grey’s Anatomy, loved on my puppies, enjoyed the cooler weather, and loved on each other. It was GOOD and so refreshing. 

My sweet Mary Kate 

My dear Christin

Sweet Zoe & Amelia 

2 weeks came and went. And I was already preparing to fly back to Haiti. As much as my heart ached for my sweet Phoebe Kate and I longed to be with her, I felt so at home. I felt so at home with the people who love me for me. I didn’t want to leave them either. The ache intensified. And I sincerely wondered if this season of coming and going will ever get easier…

Whenever the wheels of the airplane take off from the runway the ache becomes so much more real. It is the act of actually leaving the same soil as my loved ones that rips my heart out. But some how… some way… the grace of God gives me peace mid air and reminds me of what I am traveling towards. I am traveling towards loved ones as well. My heart begins to beat faster… and the embrace of loved ones on the other side is almost worth the ache.

Being here in Haiti with this little girl is worth every single ache and sacrifice. --- the pursuit of God’s call on our lives is never an easy journey. It almost always costs us something. But He promises us joy and peace for that journey. And friends, that joy and peace is worth ANYTHING that He may ask us to give up so that the world may know Him.

So I have decided I am going to be thankful for the ache. I’m sure I’ll forget some days… but I believe and am learning day by day to live in the light that “true sacrifice isn’t the losing of anything – it is the finding of joy” – Ann Voskamp.

my most beautiful mark

It’s been a difficult few weeks. Some of the difficulties have been due to circumstances and some due to mental blocks that I can’t seem to get through. I’m the type of person that can’t write about it until I have worked through it. Once I have worked through it, I write it. Once I write it, it usually means I have made peace.

I have been wrestling with the Lord about heavy things…Poverty, war, motherhood, death, life, loneliness, sin, passion, and fear of the unknown (just to name a few for you). The kind of wrestling that keeps you up at night, decreases your appetite, and makes you ask A LOT of questions.

Living in Haiti in and of itself raises questions everyday that I will probably never know the answers to. The poverty, injustice, and difficulties that the Haitian people endure every day with such grace, beauty, and tenacity amazes me.  I came to Haiti full time to be a part of the solution and to work towards improving the medical and midwifery crisis. There are some great organizations (both national and international) that are actively addressing the health care crisis, and as a nurse and student midwife, I long to jump in and “get my hands dirty”. As I have received offer after offer to jump in with both feet to help, God has shut each door. Each time an offer comes up I get so excited at the thought of actually being able to work here in Haiti… my heart beats a little faster… and then I hear a still small voice coming from the other side of the room… “Mommy”.

On February 24, 2012, I made a decision that changed my life forever. I became her mommy. It has been the hardest and the most beautiful thing I have ever done. She is my first priority… and she should be.

As nurses we are taught that it is our duty to sacrifice so that others can be cared for in their time and need. Our families sacrifice, too. There is definitely some truth to my profession and I take pride in being able to sacrifice my personal wants so that others can be cared for in their time of need. But since Haiti is in the business of stripping me of all of my pride, I am learning that she cannot sacrifice me right now. She needs this time with me (I have no way of knowing how long this time frame will be that I am in Haiti with her until her adoption is complete). Especially since it’s just her and I.

I am continually wrestling with God about the freedom I have to work as a nurse and serve the people of Haiti in a way that brings me so much joy. It hurts because I cannot nurse right now. And I need His continual affirmation that I am doing the right thing… that I am indeed following Him by giving myself to my daughter for His glory. Wrestling with the fact that each hug, each bath, each story, each moment of gentle correction, each song, each prayer is just as important as the life saving work that I was giving my life to before she came into my world.

God gently whispered to my heart in another way yesterday. I was reading Ann Voskamp’s blog and these words were like balm to my spirit:

“It is more noble to give yourself completely to one individual than to labor diligently for … the masses.” Christ left the ninety-nine for the one.

My Heavenly Father is constantly reminding me that His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are not my ways. I thought I was coming to Haiti to be a missionary (whatever the heck that even means) and I am now a mother. I thought I would be in Haiti longer term and God seems to be leading back to “home” after the adoption is complete.

I thought my mark on the world was going to be made through caring for the sick and helping women bring their children into the world safely. But what if that’s not my greatest mark? What if my greatest mark is raising this little girl and teaching her the ways of Jesus? What if she is the one who comes back to her country and is a part of transforming Haiti’s health system? I have no idea. But I have to believe that “every tremor of kindness might erupt in a miracle on the other side of the world.”(Ann Voskamp)

So even though I thought my most beautiful mark would be through health care and midwifery, maybe it isn’t. Maybe it is through this beautiful little soul that God has entrusted to me while she is on earth. Or maybe it is both? I pray that God gives me the grace to pour and invest my life into what He has set before me.

I am trusting that He will not let me leave this world until I leave my most beautiful mark – to show Him.

Phoebe Kate (3.25 yrs)

beauty that fills the soul

We have had some note worthy experiences since the last blog I wrote…

We weathered Tropical Storm Isaac a week and a half ago. Thankfully Isaac was not as bad as predicted, but we still got some pretty intense wind and rain that put us out of power for over a week. Our internet was also out of service so we felt pretty disconnected from the outside world. Tropical Storm Isaac also prevented Christin from being able to come to Haiti to celebrate my birthday. So… TS Isaac and I are not exactly friends.

A week ago today I turned 25! That’s a quarter of a century… and I feel like it is an accomplishment :) I was uneasy about spending my birthday here in Haiti without my family and my friends who love and appreciate my presence in their lives… but because of God’s faithfulness… yet again He gave us another sweet day full of joy! The phone calls from my closest friends and parents and the countless electronic birthday wishes were so special. And on top of that, the beauty that I was a witness to this past week truly filled my soul. 

For my birthday we went out to Wahoo Bay on the north coast of Haiti with our new friend, Holly Helton. Holly has been such an undeserved gift from God! PhoebeKate and I were so thankful to have Holly join us on our birthday vacation :) And it turns out it was her birthday on August 21… so we were both able to enjoy a fun outing for our birthdays!

Our first night’s sunset was TRULY INCREDIBLE! Absolutely one of God’s precious gifts to me on my birthday. I also really enjoyed spending my first birthday with Phoebe Kate :) 

Wahoo Bay at sunset 

PhoebeKate and I with our new friend, Holly :)

the love of my life

Day 2 at Wahoo Bay was spent enjoying the beach and the pool. Phoebe Kate LOVES the sand and the ocean.... well really... just the water in general. I feel so blessed to have a child who is so enamored by nature and who entertains herself so well. She also is genuinely happy while doing so!

my little beach bum :)

Wednesday of last week we ventured out to "Sodo" (Kreyol)/ Saut d'Eau (French). I will let the picture speak for itself, but even the picture doesn't do the actual falls justice. It is truly a breathtaking piece of God's handiwork!

Sodo

Phoebe Kate and I hiked up to the highest point that we were allowed to go. Such an amazing experience for me... and it made it that much more special to have my girl with me :)

Mommy & Phoebe Kate at Sodo

We also made it out to Gressier last Thursday for my friend Arland's wedding! Phoebe Kate and I felt so blessed to be a part of Arland and Sandra's special day :) This was also my first Haitian wedding... and although it was super long, we really enjoyed it! 

Arland & Sandra (photo credit J.Anderson)

Wow. So after that week, we have been resting! We have needed some downtown at home and have also enjoyed getting to know 2 new girls who arrived in Haiti for the next 6 months- 12 months. Sandrea will be walking with Emma Barlow through her last year of high school here in Haiti and Callie is here to do art with the children in the OVC Program. We are already enjoying our new friends and are excited to see how God uses them to bless Haiti and how Haiti blesses them :) Please be praying for Sandrea and Callie as they adjust to life here and as they find their place. 

As for Phoebe Kate and I... we are just living life. Day by day. Phoebe Kate is learning, growing, thriving, and seems to be blossoming with each it and every day. There are opportunities that come up occasionally for me to volunteer and use my gifts as a nurse and I usually try to take advantage of those opportunities when they arise. But if I am honest, I consistently feel like God is telling me that the main reason I am here is for Phoebe Kate. And as hard as that is for me to swallow, I am continually submitting myself to the will of God and graciously accepting the responsibility for this little person! She deserves and needs ALL of her mommy's attention right now. So... if I seem a little boring... it's because I am a little boring :)

Heavily on my heart daily is my sweet friend, BonnieKate. As some of you may know, she was a victim of the Aurora, Colorado shooting in July. BonnieKate was shot in the knee and since July 20 has undergone several surgeries to have complete reconstruction of her knee and is now on her road to recovery. But as you can imagine, this road to recovery is long and tedious. This precious girl is SO SPECIAL to Phoebe Kate and I. She is a dear friend of mine and I ask you to take a look at her blog: Pray for Bonnie Kate.

BonnieKate and her Phoebe Kate :) 

Sweet BonnieKate, we love you so much! We have not forgotten you on your road to recovery. Our prayers are only increasing as the need is increasing. We trust that God is able to do abundantly and immeasurably more than we could ever ask or imagine in your life! Thank you for showing the world that forgiveness is an ongoing attitude and that with power of Christ living within you that it is possible. Thank you for your faithfulness as a servant of the most High God. I know that He is going to prove Himself faithful in your life. Your courage, strength and bravery as you wrestle with this difficult season has inspired more people than you could ever imagine. My continual prayer is that God would wrap you up in His loving arms and that you would FEEL His nearness. Because He is so near. Phoebe Kate and I are some of your biggest fans :) Rooting for you as you reach your goal of 110 degrees... all the way from Port-au-Prince, Haiti! Kenbe fo, zanmi'm!

The Spirit of Adoption

A very opinionated post…so, if you don’t like opinions…. I suggest you stop reading. Right now.

Not only am I a bit enraged that Pat Robertson is speaking such nonsense on international television but I feel like I have somewhat of a response for the woman who called posing this question to the 700 Club.

If you don’t know what I am talking about…let me catch you up.

“In a recent broadcast of The 700 Club, a woman sent in a question about a man who wouldn’t marry her because she has children who were adopted internationally. If they were her “own” biological children, he would have no problem, she said. But because they were adopted, he saw too much risk. Host Pat Robertson’s female co-host bristled and said he was acting like a “dog.” Robertson disagreed.

He said the man “didn’t want to take on a United Nations,” and that, after all, you never know about adopted children; they might have brain damage and “grow up weird.”

I feel like this is an area of life that I can be opinionated in… due to the situation that I find myself in. I am a single mother to a 3-year-old little girl who I am in the process of adopting from Haiti. I have many times thought about this situation for myself. Will I ever marry? Who will want to marry me with an internationally adopted child? Will it be more difficult to find my helpmate due to my current situation? All valid questions to ask. Do I know the answers to any of these questions? – Negative. So a part of me is tracking with this lady posing her question to the 700 club.

The one thing I am sure of is that whomever the Lord has for my helpmate is going to be a very special man… and he is going to have to win my daughter’s heart as well as mine. Although I do have a lot of questions, I’m not sure the right question to ask is about the guy’s spiritual standing. – If he doesn’t feel like he could raise internationally adopted children (which does come with it’s own challenges) then LET HIM WALK ON. HE IS NOT FOR YOU!

True and undefiled religion is the care for orphans…and it is God of the Universe who has put the spirit of adoption into our souls! This is eternal and important work. It is holy work. 

So, sweet lady, please do not let this guy discourage you! The Lord has equipped you to raise these beautiful people and in His sweet and perfect timing He will provide your helpmate. And He will have just as much of a calling on your husband’s heart to raise them as He has put on yours!

As far as truth to counteract the nonsense, Russell Moore said it best! “I say to my non-Christian friends and neighbors, if you want to see the gospel of Christ, the gospel that has energized this church for two thousand years, turn off the television. The grinning cartoon characters who claim to speak for Christ don’t speak for him. Find the followers who do what Jesus did. Find the people who risk their lives to carry a beaten stranger to safety. Find the houses opened to unwed mothers and their babies in crisis. Find the men who are man enough to be a father to troubled children of multiple ethnicity and backgrounds.”

May we continue to walk boldly, confidently, and faithfully on the path that the Lord has set before us.

I am absolutely in love with this precious gift from God… and I cannot wait to meet her earthly father :) Trusting that His timing is perfect and that the Lord is preparing her father even now.

Phoebe-Kate

Until then… if you don’t want to parent an internationally adopted child, don’t waste your time here… I won’t be calling Pat Robertson for any advice :)

Read Russell Moore's full post

Kanez Medical Clinic

Yesterday was a full day of our medical clinic in Kanez. Kanez is a small fishing village just outside of Croix de Bouquets and borders Lake Azuei. Lake Azuei is full of tilapia and this is the way they survive on their little piece of earth. They are a precious group of people who have stolen my heart since my first visit to them back in the beginning of June. It was fun to use my medical training to help them and they were so appreciative! 

Our goal was to see all 55 families, check all of the children and adults, and get them the vitamins and medications that they need. Most families had 4-6 children... we saw everyone there....so you do the math :) 

Fabiola and her mother at triage

Wideline - another one of my biggest fans yesterday! 

Dr Monique 

Moise - super cute little guy who fell in love with me :)

This little guy had a horrible skin infection all over his face, arms, neck. 

Juliana and her son Timothy

My sweet girl was such a trooper! So glad I am able to take her with me when I am working and ministering to her people! 

Rosemitha and her daughter Deborah. 

Phoebe and her new friend, Holly. Holly helped me with Phoebe so that I could triage :) 

this is how they pay in Kanez :)

My friends' humble homes

Lake Azuei

Luna and her sweet brother. 

One of the girls from our last team left money for us to hire a Haitian Doctor, purchase medicines & vitamins, and buy gas for us to do a clinic in Kanez. What a blessing it was to their people! We are looking forward to working with this sweet community more as a cistern is placed for them, a school is built, and hopefully a church so that Kanez and their sister community will have access to these basic needs. 

Please join me in praying for Kanez and her people!

Humble Realizations

I had a harsh realization today. My pride was shot to the ground (as it has been a lot here lately) as I realized some of the closest people to me have suggested that I make this need known publicly prior to my own realization...and I told them it wasn’t necessary. Ever want to just laugh at yourself?  This is that moment for me.  

So here I am… months later, humbly making this need known. It is very difficult to admit that the present situation I find myself in (and I believe that God has lead me here) does not allow me to provide financially for my little girl and myself. Coming from a full time nursing position in the U.S. to not having a consistent income has been quite the challenge for me. I made the need known before I left in March and from that God has given me sweet, sweet individuals who have been faithful in helping Phoebe and I live and serve here in Haiti. People have also been so generous in giving towards Phoebe’s adoption (which on my own I cannot afford either). I could not be more thankful for the generous people who are still actively supporting us…

These people have stuck with Phoebe and I through thick and thin. I expected to loose some support after leaving Respire Haiti… and I knew it would make people question whether or not they should support us or not. I totally get that. I’m sure I would have to really think about it again after something like that happening to someone I was supporting overseas. But these folks who are consistently supporting Phoebe and I… they didn’t expect an explanation… they didn’t ask me to prove anything… they continued to give and support us in so many ways.

Yesterday I was looking at our funds for the month of August and September and I thought, “how are we going to do this?”. I immediately had to begin evaluating activities that we were planning and wanting to be involved in due to our financial situation. Ministry opportunities, visiting with friends, food selection… the list goes on. None of which are completely necessary to sustain life… but for the most part it keeps us in survival mode. And if I’ve learned anything by living and working in Haiti is that you cannot LIVE in survival mode all the time.  

Humbly I ask some of you to consider joining my ministry team so that I can stay here in Haiti, care for my daughter until her adoption is complete, and serve the Haitian people in a holistic manner.

Currently it costs Phoebe and I around $700 a month to be able to pay our rent, food, gas, and any other miscellaneous expenses that come up (which happens much more here in Haiti than it ever happened to me in the U.S.). – We have around $450 a month coming in. If anyone feels lead to join us, we will most definitely see it as God’s provision for us.

Even though I am working with World Orphans as an intern, they are not handling my finances at this time. If you would like to make a one-time donation or would like give monthly, please contact me at jessicarenaewilliamson@gmail.com

Trusting that as God continues to guide us here in Haiti that He will provide for what He has brought us here to do…. Especially now that my pride is out of the way :)